Where’s the lifeboat?
I’ve been thinking about abandonment and responsibility. It’s painful to think about because it illuminates some of my shadowy sides.
While I don’t have regrets about my past behaviors, I do see how I was not taking responsibility for myself. Consistently, I look for comfort, joy, and care in other people. As my heart begins to ache, I immediately reach out to friends to help me process or feel better. Inevitably, when folks are not available at that moment, I turn to myself saying I am alone and no one loves me and I’m unlovable and broken.
Shit’s wild.
I know I am loved and lovable!! I know I’m whole as I am!! And yeah – it is important to lean on friends, and I have truly stellar humans in my life who are caring, loving, and sweet. And they can’t be my only source of comfort! They show up when they can, and they’re not always available. They shouldn’t have to be. But what happens then?
I have learned that I do not show up for myself. I keep seeking healing and comfort from others, but they can’t give that to me. They can’t do the healing work for me – perhaps they can bear witness for me, but ultimately I need to be doing that myself.
Somehow I have this expectation in my head that I need someone to save me. I can credit the damsel in distress trope, my relational trauma, or even white supremacy – and while these reasons may be valid, understanding where this idea comes from is only the beginning of the healing.
So let’s break it down together – firstly, do I need someone else to save me? No. If there’s any saving going on here, I must do it. Going back to the idea of being the only one who can do my healing work.
Okay this one kinda throws me for a loop: do I need to be saved? I want to say no. I want to say that I am full and whole and not broken. That there’s nothing wrong with me, that I’m not drowning or on fire or in danger. But honestly? Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. Sometimes it feels like everything around me is burning down or falling apart. Maybe I don’t need to be saved or rescued, but I do need help. Sometimes I need someone to come by with a lifeboat to tell me they’ve got my back and it’s going to be okay, but ultimately I have to be the one to find my breath again, pull myself up, and allow myself to find healing.
Maybe it’s about balance. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to miraculously find a lifeboat on my own, pull myself up, and paddle all the way back to shore – especially if I’m drowning in the middle of an ocean. So maybe it’s okay to ask for help in those cases, in fact, it’s quite important. Perhaps in simpler, less dangerous moments, I can help myself. Like when I get tossed around by some hefty waves – chances are I might get some water up my nose and maybe fall over, but I can show up for myself and stand back up on my own.
Apparently, I’m really into ocean analogies as I’m writing this.
Questions to consider for yourself:
Do you think you need to be saved?
Do you look for others to save you? Or do you save yourself?
Do you try to save others or think you need to save others?
What does it look like to take responsibility for yourself?
What does it look like to show up for yourself?
What feelings come up as you consider your responsibilities?
Thank you for spending time with my words. May you be well, my dear.